nov 2012

this year's november has been  a great deal different and altogether moving out of my control or expectations... 

this november, i've been asked to return the church office keys, my access card and termination of my sharon.lim@eaglepoint.org.my email address. although i know it's about time and it's only right for me to return all those but on the other hand i still feel heavy hearted and pushed myself to be strong to do it.  the very first set of keys since the church first moved in to this building in 2002. the access card that gives me the freedom to go in and out of the office. the email address that i started, the domain name that i registered and the ten years of history all in that email address. letting it go. putting it down. moving on. giving up my "identity" or rather filing it as my history, my past, my ex. i hope some day in my funeral-time, it will all come out as a memory again because working in church has been a big part of my life and print and the proof of my existence in flesh in the past. 

this november, my muimui miss lee yean ching is engaged soon to be mrs poelman! im extremely happy for them! and im grateful to greg for involving me in the whole proposal process that i can be there to witness this important moment in my sister's life. the every day vigors of life has quietly moved on the days on the calendar and suddenly i felt soooo old. she was still a kid when i first got to know her and now she's gonna be someone's wife soon! life continues to move on whether one lives it or not. 

this november, i knew of four birthdays and threw two surprise birthday parties! (both with help of course). one is the aunty of a good friend, one is a good friend, two of my staffs! the joy of the moment can be really touching and happy but the daily routines in life can easily fade off the memory as offended is a stronger feeling that can easily wipe out the good old days. one moment she can be happy and appreciative and over joy, the next day, can forget about it and become offended over a delayed request. mmmm... the bottom line is people have selective memory! but lamentations aside, i still wanna wish them all happy birthday all the days of their lives! 

this november, i will be going away for two whole months. on one hand, i wanted the breakaway, on the other hand, i wish there is someone here to take care of my mom so that she's not alone! but i dunno how to balance this both and end up making a mess out of the whole ordeal. i dont want to but i don't know how not to end up here. so im just gonna just do it and make a better decision the next round. 

this november, i cut my locks. maybe it's a way of moving on. =)

Psalm 10:14b

"... thou art the helper of the fatherless..."

The saddest thing abt today's culture is that the people that do have a physically absentee father claiming this verse as their comfort!

The Second Last Farewell

My eyes is so tired of crying .. Every service also can't help it n cry. Chrystin say I should sing the song but can't sing lah.. Start first line aldy I choking with tears...

I cry hard when pastor say, "it's one of the saddest day in my life when Sharon decided to move on from church.."

Closing a chapter

My farewell speech for service later at Five. Just now as I listen to "we will keep our eyes on You.. A mighty fortress is out God, a sacred refuge is ur name.." in the shower, I cried out to God again. I really "ng seh tak" to say farewell. But I know if God did not pave this way, i won't be where I am today. My hands were shaking, tears flowing as I wrote this speech n preparing myself to face the church later. There is no regret in serving in the past ten years, my only regret is that I cant serve more and make it a twenty years or thirty years more...

2 Chronicles 20:17, do not be afraid, do not be discouraged, go out and face them tomoro and the Lord will be with you.

Having a moment..

Just walked out of church office for the last time as a staff.

Sitting in my car now, I'm having a moment where I felt my world stopped for a moment of memories but the world still revolves in a routine.

I can no longer introduce myself as Sharon from Eaglepoint or from church n ppl can identify. My identity has changed. I'm just Sharon.

God, thank you for the past ten years of covering and blessing and faith and hope u invested into my life. Can't trade it for anything else with the same worth. You will always be my God.

King Solomon

Bathsheba's first son died after born. She should know that God told David He's gonna take the child. Instead of getting bitter with God, she must have repented and raised Solomon to fear God. Preparing his heart to be the greatest king in history.

Parenting is really important. Teaching the fear of God, the journey of repentance and forgiveness.

Melissa Chens

Won a free facial voucher from this new brand in the market so decided to go and try it today! I didn't know the road changed so much n I had to drive all the way to the toll n then u-turn so I was late for half an hour!

My first impression...
I was served by the "Technical Manager". It was scary. She reminded me of my disciplinary teacher in high school. Hahha... Not very friendly n answering the profile card felt like my report card assessment. I had a feeling that she can "fail" me. Hahah... When she ask me if I've any phobia, I was on the verge of saying "you".

But the facial was good. The girl that served me look young but her touch is not bad at all.

Overall thought as I leave was that I won't return for the fear of fear itself. Facial is supposedly a relaxing n enjoyment n I can do without the little stress of meeting someone so serious. :)

New office

Setting up new office is really a lot of work!

Parable of the talent

For the kingdom of heaven is like a man traveling to a far country, who called his own servants and delivered his goods to them. And to one he gave five talents, to another two, and to another one, to each according to his own ability; and immediately he went on a journey. Then he who had received the five talents went and traded with them, and made another five talents. And likewise he who had received two gained two more also. But he who had received one went and dug in the ground, and hid his lords money. After a long time the lord of those servants came and settled accounts with them. So he who had received five talents came and brought five other talents, saying, Lord, you delivered to me five talents; look, I have gained five more talents besides them. His lord said to him, Well done, good and faithful servant; you were faithful over a few things, I will make you ruler over many things. Enter into the joy of your lord. He also who had received two talents came and said, Lord, you delivered to me two talents; look, I have gained two more talents besides them. His lord said to him, Well done, good and faithful servant; you have been faithful over a few things, I will make you ruler over many things. Enter into the joy of your lord. Then he who had received the one talent came and said, Lord, I knew you to be a hard man, reaping where you have not sown, and gathering where you have not scattered seed. And I was afraid, and went and hid your talent in the ground. Look, there you have what is yours. But his lord answered and said to him, You wicked and lazy servant, you knew that I reap where I have not sown, and gather where I have not scattered seed. So you ought to have deposited my money with the bankers, and at my coming I would have received back my own with interest. So take the talent from him, and give it to him who has ten talents. For to everyone who has, more will be given, and he will have abundance; but from him who does not have, even what he has will be taken away. And cast the unprofitable servant into the outer darkness. There will be weeping and gnashing of teeth. (Matthew 25:14-30 NKJV)

Whenever I read this parable I always think of myself as the one with the five talent n then became ten talents! Oh how prideful I can sometimes be.

..cos I've come to realized that I'm the one with the with the two talent n even after hardwork, I'm still only a four talent. I need to learn to b faithful with the little that I have n not strive to be the ten talent from one leap. It's build on.. From two to four to eight to sixteen n not thinking I'm a ten n when I didn't achieve a ten crushed myself n not accepting the four that I get from my investment. It is still the talent from god, still the grace of his for me!

Frogs are meant to leap with its strong thigh. Stop denying ur self by wanting to fly like a bird.

Words

Many a times, one negative comments or critic is just likely straw that can break the camel's back full of good words accumulated over the years. Especially if the word came from the mouth of someone close. That is the way of women. Rejection playing evil at its best. Yet women are the easiest and usually fastest at giving their "commentary" and "critics"... The cycle of doing it and being done with.

It is the inside that God sees.. Not the exterior (prostitutes, Moabites ..) but the inside. The heart of the person. The intention of the person, the faith of the woman. God made the exterior. He made the women, Moabite or not. But the interior, we have to cultivate it ourselves.

Frogs vs Birds

Accept God's permission to be whom He made you to be. A frog can flap its little legs and never fly. Some of you have been flapping a long time - too long. Your heroes r birds; your mentors are birds. You think u should fly n feel guilty that u can't. Enough of this bird brained thinking. Be a frog!! It's ok to jump! You have some stiffish things beneath you, so get hopping!

Shrek the musical

Went to watch Shrek The Musical last Friday at KLCC. It's like how I expected but three songs n one scene was cut from the original I've seen online. Sigh... But I was glad still to be able to catch it as I've heard the album so many times that I can sing it from the beginning till the end!

Rising from the bed..

Read this from my devotion this afternoon,
A man once prayed, "Dear Lord, so far today, I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, haven't lost my temper, haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, over-indulgent, or told anyone to mind their own business and to stay out of mine. I'm really glad about that! But in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on, I'm probably going to need a lot more help. Thank you, in Jesus' name. Amen."

It felt totally familiar. Following God is a choice I have to make every single moment, situation by situation. Willing myself to choose to pursue a life of holiness. From the moment I open my eyes n check my phone, "situations" start happening n I've to consciously make choices n self-control. Life is not a bed of roses. Like Renny says it, it's a bed of roses with its stem still attached!!

My last cheque as a full time staff

The start of a new journey is always difficult. But the end of a nine years walk is also difficult. Every morning I wake up, shower n come here, sit at this table, make coffee at this cup. Next week onwards, this won't b my usual routine anymore. I'm taking a one month break.

Next month onwards I will start as a part time PA to Pastor Tim as I develop a new event company with a new partner. Starting from zero just like the game: monopoly.

Sharon

Someone once gave me this fridge magnet n it is of course stuck at the door of my fridge.

Just now I was reading n I mean I don't think I'm defined sweet. Smart maybe. Although recently not so much. Friendly? Definitely. Ask those ppl that r my frens, not ask those that r not lah. Lastly, I dont really think that I'm loveable, at least not like pet kind of loveable?! Hhaha..

Last Reunion Dinner

Last reunion dinner was so extravagant that I felt I have to blog about it. In fact, I sms to some of my friends there and then.

Pre-dinner, me and my father was with my uncles sipping chinese tea at the second hall... expensive chinese tea! few hundred bucks kind... after that my uncle brought out the one thousand bucks tea that he kept to show us!

and here is the spread. see that big dish sea cucumber? just that plate-full is about eight hundred bucks!

and let me not leave out the abalone. each one with one bowl of soup with one RM110 abalone inside.

after dinner, we had dessert... imported cherries at RM138/a small box...

wow! geng man. eat dinner until this stage i also sit there quietly only. just eat up and be intimidated! hahahahaha..

Cute Kids!

My first time seeing Little Esther since she was born! Now at 8 months old... sooo cute!

The other two of course gotten older and taller!

violence on the rise

it's rising. its rising.. sin is rising in this society. where is the fear of the law?

one day i heard the story of a neighbor came out with metal bar and beat up a lady (her neighbor's daughter) for parking her car exceeding some beyond the 'line' of his territory. she end up in a cast and when her husband came back and found out, he went over and beat up the man. what happen to reporting to police? beatign up each other is the way to go?

a day after hearing that story, i heard of a man being chopped up to pieces and the pieces were put into a plastic bag and sent back to the wife of the dead man. is this really the way of human being? what happened to conscience? to humanity? to civilisation? are we really progressing or degrading in being humankind? there is really no "kind" in humankind now?

the end

today mark the end of a series of hibernation. pick it up and move on...

I'm not a good friend.

Recently, I've gotten quite a few slap on my face from some 'friends' that would like to tell me the 'truth' about me in their 'own opinion'. Digging up incidents from the pasts, pushing me to accept their opinions as the correct interpretation of things from their point of view and not giving me the chance to explain myself cos that is consider as me being 'defensive'. But then, am i to accept everything that other ppl say without explaining it from my point of view of the whole scenario?

I don't know what makes 'friend(s)' think that they can have a session of slapping me with 'what they feel i do wrong'. Did I do that to you? Did I pick a time to tell you all your 'bad habits' and tell you how 'to live your life' and how you also 'hurt me'? No. I dont. I accept you as you are with your bad habit and all but then you dont accept me as I am? Sure. I am the one that need to change and the one that is wrong. You have no wrong and no bad habit to change.

Oh, and by the way, according to my conscience, I've tried to change myself and my habits and my attitude in the past two years. Did you see that? Of course not, right. You only see where I am wrong and where I should change to suit you, not offend you and be the kind of friend you want. But I've to accept you in the way you want to live, they way u felt you've 'sacrificed' and not be offended just because I should be the epitome of 'good friend' to you but not you to me. great plan!

thanks but no thanks for asking me to sit down and listen to you in piling a mountain of your critics, comments, opinion and thoughts in my already drowning situation from another 'friend' that thinks I deserve it too. that does not encourage you to be a better friend to me too. i need 'fire extinguishers' and encouragers that tell me i can pull through it, i can change, i can bite the bullet and make the best out of things, i can do better and not 'i told you so, you deserved it because you are a messed up tyrant. and you will not survive'. push me off the cliff when im struggling at the edge just cos you think you should tell me the 'truth' like the 'good friend' you are 'supposed to be'. ?! on one hand tell me to share with u my down times but then take the moment to push me off the cliff?!

sigh... i give up, man. just cos i'm the christian, the 'leader' (i've resigned), the church staff, your friend, i'm supposed to be one to take your critics humbly (accept the sentence without the trial on my side of the story), apologise just cos u think i offends you (even though i forgave and forget about those times you offended me and didnt insist on an apology from u), change myself to suit u (even though i accept you the way you are but u cant accept me the way i am), must take in your opinion and not say anything (cos now i'm being called defensive).

yes. I'm not a good friend to you. ... but neither are you to me. =P

Do Good N Help Others

Galatians 6:10, so then, while we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, and especially to those who are of the household of faith

Psalm 145:9, the Lord is good to all, and His mercies are over all His works.

Recently, I've thoughts on this topic. The Bible teaches me to do good and I see my pastors always do good and help others. Yet I also grow up in an environment that is petty in doing good unless there is return reward and if there is no known return, I get scolding for helping and usually end in a heated argument. Sometimes I feel like I should stop helping others so that I don't create any fights at home.

Recently, a close family friend passed away. She was a multimillionaire but live like a miser herself. Of course all the money was saved up and now given away to nieces and nephews. I was sadden by the news especially since I did not get to see her in her last days. But during this CNY, the gossip that I heard saddens me even more. Phrases like "...that niece should have bodek her aunt so that she gets all her inheritance.." kept popping up. I don't know how to respond.

Personally, I feel like it is such an irresponsible statement and the intention of the person is so 'not morally right,' not to mention Christ-like. Yet the person that said that is a close family member. If I were to speak out, she will be offended and feels that I am being disrespectful. In a Chinese family culture that is consider "no big no small" (does not respect the elderly). Yet If I don't speak up, it will be like I agree with her, which I don't. The dilemma is laughable.

I want to do good and learn to do more good but there are those in this fallen world that does not 'like' to do good and even discourages me to do good. To continue the story, the niece mentioned did not treat her aunt well and now live in fear that her ghost will come back and haunt her. She live like a mental breakdown person now. Do good not just so that we can live without mental breakdown but do good just cos we should and need to do good because that is good.

Thank God there is the Word Of God to constantly align us to be Christ-like and do good.

Sent from my iPad

From Jasmine with love

To Sharon for tears..

before Jasmine Yow left to Australia, she gave me this packet of "cute healer" snack with a note that says that I can only eat it when I'm down and need some comfort.

So for the whole of last year, I dare not eat it just for the sake of wanting to munch. I waited and waited and last week, I've no choice but to eat it already cos it's gonna be expired if I don't eat it anymore! hahhaa..

Dear Jasmine,
Last year was rough but I managed to hang on and didn't succumb to pity party. There were teary moments but I told myself that I can still hang on and can save your love-snack till a worse moment.. and before I know it, i've survived the year.

But through this simple pack of junkfood, I remember your love and thoughts throughout 2011.

Hugs,
Sharon