It's going to be midnight soon. I've cleared all the things n the kitchen, done up all the gift packs for visitors, packed the hospital bag... as I walk around the house to make sure things are in order, I know that come tomorrow, when Little Josie comes, life is gonna change. It's gonna be a new chapter and we will need time to readjust to lifestyle and maybe everything else in our lives.

midnight... i showered, washed my hair and download worship songs to put into the iPhone so that I can listen to worship songs during my labour. David is still not back yet from the dismantling/setting up of the #bemyprotector art exhibition. i've put a towel and also rubber sheet on the bed so that when water burst, won't wet the bed.

backup my phone now.

Finished shower. 

after this i want to spend some time to read the bible, pray and believe that my ager bag will burst, dilation will open up to 10cm, contraction starts and maybe will be going to hospital in the wee hours of the morning for a supernatural childbirth at Columbia Hospital Bukit Rimau. My tummy is all tighten up now. Not really sure whether is it contraction or just baby stretching. =P

since the beginning of this pregnancy, God has been gracious and wonderful to me.
I don't have water retention at all (just once but after prayer it's gone). Saw a friend today and she's all bloated up hands and feet.. i prayed for her.
We have more than enough things for the baby. old and new but all matches up together that we didn't have to buy much.
David's finance came through last month so that we have reserve the cash for the baby hospital bill.
I don't have much cramps or vomitting ... all according to how i've prayed along with supernatural childbirth book.
God sent us to a good gynae but i pray she will be cooperative with what we believe.

after all these answered prayers, I am now praying that the labour and delivery will also be supernatural. i've to constantly command the fear to go, the body to work its way and baby to be in the right position.

what to do next? all that i can do i've tried my best to finish up.
now? wait. believe.

Mummy and Papa loves you. We are excited to see you.

What to expect when I am expecting?

What to expect when I am expecting?

Don't know. 

Don't know wad to expect. And nothing to prepare that can make one prepared cos this is unknown to first time mothers!

No matter how much I google or compare checklist or ask around, I still feel I dunno what to expect - materially maybe, physically unsure, emotionally totally not!

Pregnancy & Govt Medical Centres

Jan 5 - Went to Klinik Kesihatan Kelana Jaya

It was the start of an experience: from the first walk in to the KK, I felt so lost and I've to do it on my own. The nurses were not as friendly and they expect me to know where to go for urine test and blood test and where to queue up and where to go next... I felt so lost and such a mix feeling.
Went to another counter to get a cup for urine test and the PIC did not tell me how's the process or where to q and where to put the cup ...

Then where to go for blood test? Leave your book outside and wait for your name to be called. Poking me with a needle but no blood so poke again and the blood was flowing slow so leave it there for a few more seconds for the blood to flow more. By then I can't hold it anymore and started crying...

Then wait for the nurse to interview me and go into another room. Next appointment on 2/2

Jan 8 - Went to Klinik Kesihatan Kelana Jaya

This time it's to see the doctor for a checkup. Loooong interview with the doctor and she sent me to another room for ECG check and then went back for an ultrasound check. And then she ask me to book an appointment for a Glucose Challenge Test on 22/1. When I found out from ZT that this would mean I've to draw blood pre-glucose and then drink the glucose and then wait for a couple of hours before drawing blood again to test post-glucose ... the thought of being draw blood twice in a row is more than enough to bring down the cloud of darkness over my head! The fear of the event is more fearful than the event itself. Refered me to UH to check up on the fibroid/cyst.

Jan 13 - Went to University Hospital

This place is just like a bigger version of the KK! More rooms, more floors for testing. Waited for so long took an appointment to see doctor on March 2! Went to another floor for booking for ultrasound scan on March 2 also. But the nurse wasn't friendly. I thought I was there just to check on the fibroid but the nurse nonchalantly told me next visit to bring RM500 as deposit (to deliver in the hospital). I didn't thought to deliver in the hospital ... as I thought, I was there to check up on the fibroid...???

After the day, I felt like the white rat in a lab. Being put to test here and there and here and there...
I discussed with David at night ... I don't want to go back to the govt medical centres. Every time I come back from there I become stressed out, depressed and kept wanting to cry. I don't want to start on pregnancy depression syndrome. 
The con of the matter would be I can't take the free jab for the blood rhesus. The jab will cost around RM500 each time at KJMC. 
but the emotional of the matter is more than I can handle all at once a the moment. 
what should i do? 
end up cry to sleep again last night. 

My first pregnancy thoughts

Pregnancy is really an amusing, interesting, unknown, indescribable journey....
I thought I know somewhat what to expect or what it's about but when I'm in the journey, I just realized I know nothing about the feeling, the emotions and the involvement of the whole package.

The Finding Out was full of excitement! I was trying to get pregnant but David was at a place where he's just letting nature takes its place. After 8 months of not getting the "double line", I begin to feel that I need to give up on the trying and just let nature takes it place.

Fear started to creep in... what if those couple of months when my period came one to two weeks early was because of a miscarriage that I did not know because I was stressed from work and all? Or was it the hard crossing on the bump the other day that caused the egg did not stick on? Countless what ifs... countless tears at the started of each period for the 8 months... I even begin to feel like a failed woman that can't get pregnant? Are we going to be like other barren couples that need to wait and seek God for babies for the next few years? Fears and wrong thoughts were many.

I decided to take one day to do a full fast and prayed for our marriage, life, finance and pregnancy and then I just let all these matters rest in God's hands. Miraculously, my period didn't come the next month. I started to feel jittery. I waited for another one week or so to do the home pregnancy test just to make sure... and it's a double line! I was beyond ecstatic on God showing up so fast and so sudden!

The first thing I "invest" into this pregnancy besides the pregnancy test was immediately go to Canaanland to get the book "Supernatural Childbirth". I read it in one to two days. I wanted to start right and start in faith. I don't want to let the labor pains to blocked my faith view. I read this book first before I start on any other books, researching, googling or asking questions.

The First Trimester was really nothing I imagined. The nausea, the loss of appetite, the hungry every hour was not what I know of. It was so hard to go through and many times I cried with David because I can't handle the changes. I know it's all part of the journey and all but it's all new to me and I find it so hard to adapt to a totally different lifestyle. I know it but to walk it out was another thing. I am not a snacker like David. I keep to 2 to 3 fixed meals in a day and I don't bit or eat in between those main meals but now I'm force to snack and eat often. It's all tiring and troublesome and unplanned for me coupled with the no appetite to eat but forced to eat all in one package.

Towards the end of the First Trimester, now that I'm getting used to the "schedule", at a routine checkup at the KJMC with Dr Fatima, I took a routine blood test and found out that I've got A- blood group. Now you must understand three things:
1. I took 4 blood tests in the past 8 years... the results were
(i) A+ --> 2006, took blood test at a clinic and results were from BP Diagnostic
(ii) A- --> 2009, took blood test at the Golden Horses Health Sanctuary Full Body Health Screening and the doctor then did warned me about being a pregnant A- mother in the future
(iii) A+ --> 2013, took blood test at a clinic and results were from BP Diagnostic again. By now, two out of three tests states A+, I believed I am A+ blood group.
(iv) A- --> 2014, took blood test for the pregnancy and found out I'm A- blood type is kinda shocking to me again!
2. Being a negative rhesus blood mother with a possible positive rhesus blood baby (cos David is a positive rhesus) can cause some complications - if there happens to be any crossing of positive with negative rhesus blood, my body will produce antibody to fight this foreign object in the body much like chicken pox healing after your body produces the antibody and it will always be in the blood streams. So it will minimize the chance of having any second child as the antibody will always fight with the foreign object conceived not of negative rhesus blood group. So i've to be extra careful not to have any cross blood till I've gotten some jab for the prevention of this.
3. I have a growing cyst outside of my womb that can cause me to bleed and therefore increasing chances of crossing blood.

When I came to realized all these facts, I was in a mental state of emotions and chaos. David was taking it all in a stride and maybe he wasn't showing his emotions so that I won't be stressed but I was beyond consoling. I cried for few days non stop. I can't bear the thought that I, the mother, is the one that is killing her own fetus during conception. Who can bear with these kind of guilt trip? I told David that I wanna resign and take it careful and slow from now on. I can't bear with the stress from work and from these fears and all.

Last week, I went down to Batu Pahat with David on a working trip to shoot photos for a new cookbook for the company. After the four days of tiredness and work, finally on the fifth day I was able to take it slow and went shopping at JPO. I didn't think the tow from the past couple of weeks of work was still on me until I suddenly blackout at Body Shop (31st Dec). I panicked and told my body that I can't fall, I can't fall because I can't risk injuring and causing and blood crossing. No! No! NO! Recovering from that panicky moment, I told myself it's a one time thing and I shouldn't let fear come in even though it's knocking. But two days ago (4th Jan), I was going up the stairs halfway and I can feel the dizziness and I called out to David who came running to catch me at the stairs. Now I started crying! I don't understand why am I having fainting spells! Am I overworking? Am I sick? Will I be able to take this baby to full term? Will I be able to deliver the baby? I was again pulled into the dark hole of fears and can't control my tears.

Then, Monday came and we went to the Klinik Kesihatan Kelana Jaya to register ourselves for more options in case we decide to deliver at the Govt Hospital. The experience was confusing, sense of lost in the midst and unpleasant overall. The nurse at the registration counter was not friendly and scolding the lady in front of me for not bringing her son's red book for the checkup .. but a new month with a one month old baby suspected of jaundice, how to be to detailed and know remember what to bring?... then I register myself to get a number and the nurses were grumpy and when they were asking me questions, i've to ask them to repeat the question because they just assume i know what to answer! No proper instructions how to do the urine test. The nurse taking my blood for test was trying to be nice and friendly but it was painful and there was no blood at the first poke and poking me a second time, she say the blood flow is slow so have to take a few more secs longer.. not just the blood started to trickle but my tears started to trickle too. Then went back to queue to meet the nurse and she do the routine check up on me. All the process is without the husband. At that moment, I understand why some women do not want to have a second child... cos the first time experience was so unpleasant overall. Thursday I'm going back to see the doctor cos I'm having fainting spells. I'm labelled in the Green Category cos of my negative rhesus blood.

I thank God that David was caring enough to spend the whole day with me at the hospital so that I don't feel so alone and scared. Though he can't go in, but the moment I walk out and see his presence, I feel comforted and safe again. In the evening, he even accompany me to shower to make sure I'm ok and settle me lying on the sofa before he begin to clean the house, clean the kitchen and mop the floor. The house was totally dirty since we were away for the past week and busy with Christmas preparations the week before that. He singlehanded cleaned the whole house without asking me to lift a finger cos he don't want me to be overwork or faint and also because he saw how stressed I was at the KK the whole morning and afternoon. I really thank God for such a good husband at the time I needed him to be gracious to me.

This morning I know I want to spend time in prayer for my baby, pregnancy and all. Again I take out the book Supernatural Childbirth and follow all the prayers inside. I want to reset my emotions and all back to the faith track. I needed to before I again go mental. I don't know what will happen I only know I can only trust in God and if I don't hang on to Him, what else do I have?

God, I want to trust in You. Grace. Grace.
Thank you for walking the journey with me with your Promises and Presence. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, my God.


Life at 33 going to 34...
Had a great fday of fun at a Jewellery making class... Then had a good dinner with mom n yc n David of course...
Took an emotional downturn suddenly.... Is it period coming? Why so emo?

I feel like I'm stuck in a position where life is moving pass me n I am not living or taking time to do what I want to do ... Standing where I am when the world just swirled past me n age is catching up and I'm still here. 

It's nothing to blame anyone... Just blame myself... What have I done with my life? Is it just about working, getting married, have kids, gets old and then die? If I wanna do what I like or wanna learn new things just for the educational purposes of it, am I being selfish to want my way...?

Or should I just shut my mind up, not think about it, and live day by day ignoring others n just work, go home and that's all there is to it?

March 16 anniversary!

March 16 marks our one year anniversary since we first start dating. Wow! What a year it had been! So much has changed and so much to change. Life is indeed different now as it was one year ago. I wouldn't have thought of today would be like today a year ago. 

Visiting Kingdom City Church

Wow. I stepped in without any expectations n also I just woke up... But right at praise n worship God touches my heart n breaks my hardened heart. God is still so good!

Count the cost but not fix a price ... In following Christ. 
COMMITMENT. The most challenging word in the church. 

John 6:53-56... Eat my flesh n drink my blood..
John 6:60.. This is very hard to understand... 
John 6:66-69... Turned n deserted him..

I don't want u to just believe in me with ur head but in complete abandonment ... I want your nourishment to come fr me.. Look at me as though I'm your food... Not just intellectual but 100% of me... Food u know not of...

Daily food. He's got something new for u everyday.. R u hungry for him daily?

Haggling attitude about always getting the best price.. 
Do we haggle on the price to pay to be a disciple..?

 ... I want Jesus but I'm not sure I want to pay the full price.... It's gonna require u to read the word of god n go to church... 

We devalue things n belittle things 

... the more we pay the more we regard it... We put a value on it depending on how much we've paid..