have u ever been desperate enough to beg your "friends" for a desperate need?

i did it a few times in the past couple of weeks and all i got was this -
- they turned they back,
- told me they got much too,
- told me "you can do it wan lah"
- show a sorry-i-can't-help-u face,
- hardened their heart (as i feel the blow to my face),
- expecting me to pull off a miracle (on my own),
- expecting me to forgive them (cos i'm a church leader w/o emotions or stress like them),
- walked away,
- leaving me,
- buried alive,
- by myself.

it somehow brings a picture of someone standing at the edge WATCHING another person drowning in the pool - without wanting to do anything cos he/she cant help but let the fella drown lah - cos no strength to help other ppl.

hmm.. or maybe it's more like nobody actually care lah. drowning in the big pool all alone cos everyone busy trying to stay afloat in their own pool, why should anyone care of other pool, right?

it felt like a slap across the face to wake up from any more other expectations from "friends".
i wish i can dont need to forgive them and tell them to their faces that they just hurt me and i want to hurt them back and dont wan to love them anymore and they are not friends.
the tears that are flowing from my eyes now are brought by you, "friend".
i look left, look right, i see i am actually deserted to stand alone again. again, proven my theory on 'fending myself cos nobody will be there for you, my dear."

i'm warning everyone,
DON'T tell me "you can do it wan lah" or "u sure can wan" or "u are sharon wor, u can pull it thru" !!!
it sounds exactly like telling me "go drown by yourself in your own pool and dont bother me"
i am telling you now - i hate those sentences.
one more time i hear it i might lose control and shout at you.

all i am saying is if two person stress and stretched together can get the job done, why let one person stress over it and not get the job done?

whatever. tired. drained. dried. dont want to talk about it.
lei sei lei sie.

sharon, snap out of it.

okok... maybe i've been emo and harsh and angry when i wrote the above. ah but then.... god provided a way out d! so i've no excuse not to let go and move on, right? cos God is good and faithful to me... ops..