Will everyone stop pushing me off the cliff? When will it all stop? When will it b enough for all of you? Stop making me carry all the faults of the world...  

I feel like going to sleep ... n not waking up... 

This, then, is how you should pray:

Stress or not to stress

To be stressful or not to be stressful, it is really not up to me to say or allow. Even if I don't want to step on other's toes, somehow or rather offenses will happen and people will step on my toes, like it or not. 

The past few weeks has been such a turmoil n turbulence filled week. Things kept happening non stop day after day and I've been just trying to keep my head above waters but tears kept falling down. 

I've got to admit that I'm really not so good at handling people, situations n stress. I kept breaking down or burnout that last night I afraid I might actually stress out David cos he also felt helpless in trying to pull me "out of the black box in the corner".

From missing cash to police station to being threatened to being disturbed phone calls to mental to conflicts to offenses... Each time this happen, I felt pushed to a corner, further in a corner, further into my darkness... People may see just their side of the story but they have no idea I'm already at the corner n already in darkness. They think they are just offended over one matter but that one thing is added to the mountain loads of stuffs others already pushing me into darkness. Last night was really like a straw that fall on my mountain load that just broke me. I know I was losing control of my sanity n just want to end it all n I'm more afraid because I know I wasn't even controlling my mind from thinking all those thoughts. I just let myself slip on n on... Free fall into depression n tots.  

When will stressful days be over? When will life turn around? When will people stop offended n angry at me? Can we all just live in peace? When will my peace of mind return to me? 

Life. Is stressful. 

But I'm glad there is David. Juliet asked me to remember, nov 2012 I'm still thinking when will I be loved but nov 2013 I will be getting married. Focus on the right things. David told me one thing which strike me last night. My biggest fear is that I will be thrown into the "cold palace" n being treated like a "toy" but what's the big deal? He said to me, "nobody can treat u like a toy unless u allow it". That kinda strike me. All these years I let it be and not voice out. So I should make a stand and even if my decision is wrong, I can't go back so I should just move on. 

That's him taking me to Bukit Tinggi to de-stress.. With lollipop! 

I can't stop being stressful n I can't stop people from stressing me but I can stop myself from sitting in the black box .. Because there is David Yap. 

Human for sale

Many hands make light works. One thing I miss after resigning from church is a group of people coming together to make a dream become reality.

Tonight i am reminded of the same feeling again. Everyone put hands together to make an event happen without personal gains and without prejudice.

I'm also nervous over what is gonna happen at tomoro's launch. Dunno what to expect but I hope it will be well received and people will be educated of this social issue.

God, protect us and help us!

Casting crown

This one liner from "homesick" is my cry tonight.. Won't You give me strength to make it thru somehow..

I'm so useless.
The higher the expectations
The harder the fall
The more u put in
The bigger the gaping hole

10.04.13

nov 2012

this year's november has been  a great deal different and altogether moving out of my control or expectations... 

this november, i've been asked to return the church office keys, my access card and termination of my sharon.lim@eaglepoint.org.my email address. although i know it's about time and it's only right for me to return all those but on the other hand i still feel heavy hearted and pushed myself to be strong to do it.  the very first set of keys since the church first moved in to this building in 2002. the access card that gives me the freedom to go in and out of the office. the email address that i started, the domain name that i registered and the ten years of history all in that email address. letting it go. putting it down. moving on. giving up my "identity" or rather filing it as my history, my past, my ex. i hope some day in my funeral-time, it will all come out as a memory again because working in church has been a big part of my life and print and the proof of my existence in flesh in the past. 

this november, my muimui miss lee yean ching is engaged soon to be mrs poelman! im extremely happy for them! and im grateful to greg for involving me in the whole proposal process that i can be there to witness this important moment in my sister's life. the every day vigors of life has quietly moved on the days on the calendar and suddenly i felt soooo old. she was still a kid when i first got to know her and now she's gonna be someone's wife soon! life continues to move on whether one lives it or not. 

this november, i knew of four birthdays and threw two surprise birthday parties! (both with help of course). one is the aunty of a good friend, one is a good friend, two of my staffs! the joy of the moment can be really touching and happy but the daily routines in life can easily fade off the memory as offended is a stronger feeling that can easily wipe out the good old days. one moment she can be happy and appreciative and over joy, the next day, can forget about it and become offended over a delayed request. mmmm... the bottom line is people have selective memory! but lamentations aside, i still wanna wish them all happy birthday all the days of their lives! 

this november, i will be going away for two whole months. on one hand, i wanted the breakaway, on the other hand, i wish there is someone here to take care of my mom so that she's not alone! but i dunno how to balance this both and end up making a mess out of the whole ordeal. i dont want to but i don't know how not to end up here. so im just gonna just do it and make a better decision the next round. 

this november, i cut my locks. maybe it's a way of moving on. =)

Psalm 10:14b

"... thou art the helper of the fatherless..."

The saddest thing abt today's culture is that the people that do have a physically absentee father claiming this verse as their comfort!