My first pregnancy thoughts

Pregnancy is really an amusing, interesting, unknown, indescribable journey....
I thought I know somewhat what to expect or what it's about but when I'm in the journey, I just realized I know nothing about the feeling, the emotions and the involvement of the whole package.

The Finding Out was full of excitement! I was trying to get pregnant but David was at a place where he's just letting nature takes its place. After 8 months of not getting the "double line", I begin to feel that I need to give up on the trying and just let nature takes it place.

Fear started to creep in... what if those couple of months when my period came one to two weeks early was because of a miscarriage that I did not know because I was stressed from work and all? Or was it the hard crossing on the bump the other day that caused the egg did not stick on? Countless what ifs... countless tears at the started of each period for the 8 months... I even begin to feel like a failed woman that can't get pregnant? Are we going to be like other barren couples that need to wait and seek God for babies for the next few years? Fears and wrong thoughts were many.

I decided to take one day to do a full fast and prayed for our marriage, life, finance and pregnancy and then I just let all these matters rest in God's hands. Miraculously, my period didn't come the next month. I started to feel jittery. I waited for another one week or so to do the home pregnancy test just to make sure... and it's a double line! I was beyond ecstatic on God showing up so fast and so sudden!

The first thing I "invest" into this pregnancy besides the pregnancy test was immediately go to Canaanland to get the book "Supernatural Childbirth". I read it in one to two days. I wanted to start right and start in faith. I don't want to let the labor pains to blocked my faith view. I read this book first before I start on any other books, researching, googling or asking questions.

The First Trimester was really nothing I imagined. The nausea, the loss of appetite, the hungry every hour was not what I know of. It was so hard to go through and many times I cried with David because I can't handle the changes. I know it's all part of the journey and all but it's all new to me and I find it so hard to adapt to a totally different lifestyle. I know it but to walk it out was another thing. I am not a snacker like David. I keep to 2 to 3 fixed meals in a day and I don't bit or eat in between those main meals but now I'm force to snack and eat often. It's all tiring and troublesome and unplanned for me coupled with the no appetite to eat but forced to eat all in one package.

Towards the end of the First Trimester, now that I'm getting used to the "schedule", at a routine checkup at the KJMC with Dr Fatima, I took a routine blood test and found out that I've got A- blood group. Now you must understand three things:
1. I took 4 blood tests in the past 8 years... the results were
(i) A+ --> 2006, took blood test at a clinic and results were from BP Diagnostic
(ii) A- --> 2009, took blood test at the Golden Horses Health Sanctuary Full Body Health Screening and the doctor then did warned me about being a pregnant A- mother in the future
(iii) A+ --> 2013, took blood test at a clinic and results were from BP Diagnostic again. By now, two out of three tests states A+, I believed I am A+ blood group.
(iv) A- --> 2014, took blood test for the pregnancy and found out I'm A- blood type is kinda shocking to me again!
2. Being a negative rhesus blood mother with a possible positive rhesus blood baby (cos David is a positive rhesus) can cause some complications - if there happens to be any crossing of positive with negative rhesus blood, my body will produce antibody to fight this foreign object in the body much like chicken pox healing after your body produces the antibody and it will always be in the blood streams. So it will minimize the chance of having any second child as the antibody will always fight with the foreign object conceived not of negative rhesus blood group. So i've to be extra careful not to have any cross blood till I've gotten some jab for the prevention of this.
3. I have a growing cyst outside of my womb that can cause me to bleed and therefore increasing chances of crossing blood.

When I came to realized all these facts, I was in a mental state of emotions and chaos. David was taking it all in a stride and maybe he wasn't showing his emotions so that I won't be stressed but I was beyond consoling. I cried for few days non stop. I can't bear the thought that I, the mother, is the one that is killing her own fetus during conception. Who can bear with these kind of guilt trip? I told David that I wanna resign and take it careful and slow from now on. I can't bear with the stress from work and from these fears and all.

Last week, I went down to Batu Pahat with David on a working trip to shoot photos for a new cookbook for the company. After the four days of tiredness and work, finally on the fifth day I was able to take it slow and went shopping at JPO. I didn't think the tow from the past couple of weeks of work was still on me until I suddenly blackout at Body Shop (31st Dec). I panicked and told my body that I can't fall, I can't fall because I can't risk injuring and causing and blood crossing. No! No! NO! Recovering from that panicky moment, I told myself it's a one time thing and I shouldn't let fear come in even though it's knocking. But two days ago (4th Jan), I was going up the stairs halfway and I can feel the dizziness and I called out to David who came running to catch me at the stairs. Now I started crying! I don't understand why am I having fainting spells! Am I overworking? Am I sick? Will I be able to take this baby to full term? Will I be able to deliver the baby? I was again pulled into the dark hole of fears and can't control my tears.

Then, Monday came and we went to the Klinik Kesihatan Kelana Jaya to register ourselves for more options in case we decide to deliver at the Govt Hospital. The experience was confusing, sense of lost in the midst and unpleasant overall. The nurse at the registration counter was not friendly and scolding the lady in front of me for not bringing her son's red book for the checkup .. but a new month with a one month old baby suspected of jaundice, how to be to detailed and know remember what to bring?... then I register myself to get a number and the nurses were grumpy and when they were asking me questions, i've to ask them to repeat the question because they just assume i know what to answer! No proper instructions how to do the urine test. The nurse taking my blood for test was trying to be nice and friendly but it was painful and there was no blood at the first poke and poking me a second time, she say the blood flow is slow so have to take a few more secs longer.. not just the blood started to trickle but my tears started to trickle too. Then went back to queue to meet the nurse and she do the routine check up on me. All the process is without the husband. At that moment, I understand why some women do not want to have a second child... cos the first time experience was so unpleasant overall. Thursday I'm going back to see the doctor cos I'm having fainting spells. I'm labelled in the Green Category cos of my negative rhesus blood.

I thank God that David was caring enough to spend the whole day with me at the hospital so that I don't feel so alone and scared. Though he can't go in, but the moment I walk out and see his presence, I feel comforted and safe again. In the evening, he even accompany me to shower to make sure I'm ok and settle me lying on the sofa before he begin to clean the house, clean the kitchen and mop the floor. The house was totally dirty since we were away for the past week and busy with Christmas preparations the week before that. He singlehanded cleaned the whole house without asking me to lift a finger cos he don't want me to be overwork or faint and also because he saw how stressed I was at the KK the whole morning and afternoon. I really thank God for such a good husband at the time I needed him to be gracious to me.

This morning I know I want to spend time in prayer for my baby, pregnancy and all. Again I take out the book Supernatural Childbirth and follow all the prayers inside. I want to reset my emotions and all back to the faith track. I needed to before I again go mental. I don't know what will happen I only know I can only trust in God and if I don't hang on to Him, what else do I have?

God, I want to trust in You. Grace. Grace.
Thank you for walking the journey with me with your Promises and Presence. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, my God.