Yesterday, as me, doreen, yc, jocelyn was waiting for the rest of my gals to arrive for discipleship, we started talking about some of the CSI episodes that we’d watched and I shared about 2 episode that left a deep effect on me…
I told them, one of it was the episode where there was this doctor that his practicing license was retracted because of some malpractice during his days in the army. He was posted to some ‘faraway’ land and started to experiment on a old traditional kind of way to medically ‘lock’ a person’s physique but yet the person is still alive. Unlike in a coma, this person is awake - can open eyes and is alive and breathing, can hear and can see - just cant move at all because the body is ‘locked’ through his little irreversible operation...
It was not a grossed out, bloody and cruel, violent episode… but it just dawned on me now as I’m writing my testimony at secret recipe… why it left such a deep impression in my mind – it’s because it’s like a reality that scares me a lot. It creeps up to remind me...
I realized that it’s how I felt during my pre-christ day… during my growing up years.
Growing up in insecurity, unstable family, fears and rejection, I felt trapped. I always feel trapped with my emotions and cant act at all and forced to conform to this life-less life of mine. This caused me to want to run away. Always run away instead of facing any of it. I ran from any uncomfortable positions, from relationships, from confrontations, ran from home, ran from kat, ran from leading…
but being trapped is like even if my mind and every part within me say to run, to leave, but physically, I somehow cant. Like the girl in the CSI episode, I can feel how she can only lie there on the bed, very awake, looking at the ceiling, her mind is so alert thinking of her past, her current, her unfulfilled dreams, her wanting to just die, hearing the people around her yet cant react at all because she’s just numbed… the realism of the episode was disturbingly frightening to me.
But then that was like I said, my pre-christ days. It’s God digging out my skeleton in the cupboard instead of letting me hide it unconsciously - confront it and deal with it instead of running again. This past week, I was constantly praying for what to say in my testimony during this year’s Christmas. I racked my mind, I prayed, I stared at my (XPS) computer screen till I actually fell asleep but nothing came – no dreams too. I kept asking God for the perspective he wanna say from my life that he’d changed. And hence, without realizing it yesterday, God was leading me towards this.
This Christmas, I would be sharing my story so that other people who are trapped in hopeless will see a light in their way out… this is like a raw pre-lim draft only… dunno how to connect to the ‘who am I’ dance yet… hahaha…
To some people, their past creeps up to haunt them digging a grave in their emotions for their faith.
To me, each time my past creeps up wanting to remind me how ‘bad’ I used to be, ‘wanting to’ but somehow God also show up together to reveal how he is good to me through it, stablising my faith, making me stronger instead.
How do you deal with ur past? Your emotions? Condemnation? Emotional roller coaster? Faith-dive? Draw away from everyone? Offended with anyone that dare to come within 1meter of your presences? Enter into your ‘emo-pity-party’?
Your past reminds you of how not-good-enough you are or it reminds you of how good God is to you? =)
Allow God to change how you view life. Not through a pair of eyes that are trapped in a body but through a pair of eyes that in Him – he’d set them free from all bondage.
Thanks for sharing life with this ‘christian-in-construction’ me.
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