Only Child - No Child Play at all...

This year I'm 26 years old.

Maybe compared to a lot of people, I am considered ok? =/
But how many of u,
at 26yrs old already am taking up the burden of your family and
providing for your parents? Not many that i know.
Many that i know,
at 26, their parents gave them car, house or aprtments and
at the very least, their parents are not depending on them...
Do u know it's tiring to be the head in the family?
it's so tiring i wake up feeling like i slept underneath a big boulder and
sometimes there's not even room to breathe...
...juggling many hats, many decisions.

Every month, you have to be the one providing for the family,
the living expenses and think for the future of your family?
when u get bonus, it all goes to buy insurance for your parents
so that if anything happen to them,
you won't have to worry for their medical fees?
because u know u can't afford it.

Every month,
just the thot of trying to make ends meet
is enough to make tears come... but nope!
no pity-party allowed.
you need to continue to be strong cos the family depends on you!
as the only child,
u know if anything happen to you,
your parents have nothing at all left for them...
juggle it all...

This is my second time shifting. Buying an aprtment is really so much hassle. Do u know?
The papers back and forth.
The money for each decision. It's not just the downpayment or the loan,
but the lawyer fees, additional fees on each thing, MRTA costs, initial fees,
deposit to management office to even start renovating,
renovation cost - doesn't cover paint or lights,
furniture costs, movers' cost, cleaners, boxes and many many other costs
unexpectedly pops up without budget... nobody tell u to budget for it.
Because of many parties involvements, delays happened.
There's fine to being late. Hence, penalty fees.
Because of late,
i have to stay a few more months at my current rented apt and
at the same time start paying installment for my new aprt.
Double the monthly accommodation costs.
How not to be broke, can u tell me?

who say u don't need a God in your life?
I know i need Him. I can't survive this...
if He does not grace me.. i think i'll go crazy with all so many dead-end thots.
i probably won't see the light of hope of living if it's not because of God.
I would rather choose the easy way out...
...runaway and live in another country or something like that
so that i have not eye see for what's happening to my parents and
just send them money monthly and live my own life the way i want it to be...
...which would be hurt my parents and
be dishonored as the only child to my parents.
i know i always joke about going to sushi or chocolates when i'm stressed out
- it's just a reason for me to excuse my presence from ppl just enough time to pull myself together...

when tears come against my will,
when i cant bear the burden anymore,
when i cant sleep at nite
because my mind can't stop trying to churn out decisions,
when i woke up at 3am
by the many things not yet done
making it yet another sleepless nite,
when i look around and panicked,
when i don't know what to do or what else can i do anymore,
when i missed the mark,
when i have to bear a mistake,
when i look around helplessly and
there were noone nearby,...
i thank God i can run into His secret place and
seek His comfort,
be totally cocooned in His embrace as He wraps protectively around me,
His shoulder to rest on for awhile, a break and
be strengthened before continuing on....
not just for my own life but even to be enabled to strengthen others....
...that is what i call grace.
it's not a i, me, my, mine life or world...
there are those that's depending on me as well...
i am responsible to show them the path to hope and comfort too.
if i do not draw from God,
an empty me will not be able to strengthen anyone.


"i just cant give up now. come too far from where i started from.
nobody told me the road would be easy and
i don't believe He's brought me this far to leave me..."

Sharon, u need to 加油!! 你不可以放弃!! Gan Ban Tei!