Only Child - No Child Play at all...

This year I'm 26 years old.

Maybe compared to a lot of people, I am considered ok? =/
But how many of u,
at 26yrs old already am taking up the burden of your family and
providing for your parents? Not many that i know.
Many that i know,
at 26, their parents gave them car, house or aprtments and
at the very least, their parents are not depending on them...
Do u know it's tiring to be the head in the family?
it's so tiring i wake up feeling like i slept underneath a big boulder and
sometimes there's not even room to breathe...
...juggling many hats, many decisions.

Every month, you have to be the one providing for the family,
the living expenses and think for the future of your family?
when u get bonus, it all goes to buy insurance for your parents
so that if anything happen to them,
you won't have to worry for their medical fees?
because u know u can't afford it.

Every month,
just the thot of trying to make ends meet
is enough to make tears come... but nope!
no pity-party allowed.
you need to continue to be strong cos the family depends on you!
as the only child,
u know if anything happen to you,
your parents have nothing at all left for them...
juggle it all...

This is my second time shifting. Buying an aprtment is really so much hassle. Do u know?
The papers back and forth.
The money for each decision. It's not just the downpayment or the loan,
but the lawyer fees, additional fees on each thing, MRTA costs, initial fees,
deposit to management office to even start renovating,
renovation cost - doesn't cover paint or lights,
furniture costs, movers' cost, cleaners, boxes and many many other costs
unexpectedly pops up without budget... nobody tell u to budget for it.
Because of many parties involvements, delays happened.
There's fine to being late. Hence, penalty fees.
Because of late,
i have to stay a few more months at my current rented apt and
at the same time start paying installment for my new aprt.
Double the monthly accommodation costs.
How not to be broke, can u tell me?

who say u don't need a God in your life?
I know i need Him. I can't survive this...
if He does not grace me.. i think i'll go crazy with all so many dead-end thots.
i probably won't see the light of hope of living if it's not because of God.
I would rather choose the easy way out...
...runaway and live in another country or something like that
so that i have not eye see for what's happening to my parents and
just send them money monthly and live my own life the way i want it to be...
...which would be hurt my parents and
be dishonored as the only child to my parents.
i know i always joke about going to sushi or chocolates when i'm stressed out
- it's just a reason for me to excuse my presence from ppl just enough time to pull myself together...

when tears come against my will,
when i cant bear the burden anymore,
when i cant sleep at nite
because my mind can't stop trying to churn out decisions,
when i woke up at 3am
by the many things not yet done
making it yet another sleepless nite,
when i look around and panicked,
when i don't know what to do or what else can i do anymore,
when i missed the mark,
when i have to bear a mistake,
when i look around helplessly and
there were noone nearby,...
i thank God i can run into His secret place and
seek His comfort,
be totally cocooned in His embrace as He wraps protectively around me,
His shoulder to rest on for awhile, a break and
be strengthened before continuing on....
not just for my own life but even to be enabled to strengthen others....
...that is what i call grace.
it's not a i, me, my, mine life or world...
there are those that's depending on me as well...
i am responsible to show them the path to hope and comfort too.
if i do not draw from God,
an empty me will not be able to strengthen anyone.


"i just cant give up now. come too far from where i started from.
nobody told me the road would be easy and
i don't believe He's brought me this far to leave me..."

Sharon, u need to 加油!! 你不可以放弃!! Gan Ban Tei!

...did i manage to bring you the light of Hope?...

If you felt that I'd blessed you in any way, encouraged you or..... been a light of Hope to you - in your situations or dreams, please write to me at the comment to encourage me......

everyone needs encourage, especially timely ones....

thanks in advance for letting me know that I've been a blessing to you.
knowing this will surely touch my heart and
keep me going on no matter how many times i read this blog...


"Knowing you gives me a feeling of comfort that someone always cares,
someone who will share my thoughts - no matter how crazy it seems to be!"

To all of u that had written in the comments, my biggest thanks to you for encouraging me. I've read each post carefully many times and each time i read it, i felt so blessed to have hear from you and it encourages me to pick myself up and move and continue on... thank you from my heart.

one mouth full: IT Infrastructure Optimization Hands-on Labs

SSL, PPP, pipeline, AD, SMS, eseutil, OWA, OMA, GAL, brick level backup, bloat level backup, forest, edb, virtual pc, rpc/http/ activesync, nntp, smtp, eseutil, sybari, activesync, ias, rbl, longhorn......

i have no idea wat they were...

I went for 2 days (nov 8-9) of training with this course: IT Infrastructure Optimization Hands-on Labs.

my office just switched to a server environment and using ms exchange now.
i felt to helpless and stupid and since i can't stand it, i decided to go for this short term course so hopefully i feel less stupid after the course. hehehe...

it was an eventful training..
i woke up early at 8am (maybe to u it's not but it is for me!), braved the jam all the way from puchong side of the ldp to centrepoint. arrived early for mcd breakfast (hightlight) and went to report in at iverson.
upon arrival, the lady at reception told me that the class is cancelled!! wat!?!!! after all the jam??!!

then i waited (confused mah...) and then the lady say that there's been a confusion and the class is on! (??!!)
But overhearing her phone conversation with her superior, the classroom was given away to another training!! hahaha....

so they put us in a smaller room... and i went in and found a spot and waited for half hour.
then the ppl overflow and they decided to shift us over to the other room (A BIT bigger only) and so there were not enough seats.. by the time i enter the room, i was left standing as the guys RUSHED to get a seat for themselves - how gentleman of them! I was the only lady left standing with the rest of the guys!! ooo... felt like an idiot there and then!

so the trainer got me a chair and asked the rest of the ppl to get their own chairs. but later, one of the guys (soon to be my sifu), asked me to fill in the seat next to him as that guy left! it was supposedly a 40pax training, left 30ppl..... it was their mistake to leave!

Microsoft sent a couple of ppl to come for DAMAGE CONTROL! hehehe...
she apologised and gave us each 2 GSC ticket AND a free Microsoft Wireless Mouse!!! hehehe... yay!!!

but the settings and such were disastrous and we got to go off early for lunch! hahaha....

neway. it was a free training and i get free stuffs too! yay!

back to work now. i did felt LESS stupid as i communicate with the solution technicians and even can do briefing for my colleagues! hahahah.... =)

I like it You are my LORD!

Many worship sessions whether during SNL or Sunday mornings, i hear from God and there were times i even saw visions and dreams were purified by God...

There used to be times i tell myself when things don't go my way, 'He is God whether i like it or not, whether i will this way or not, He IS GOD and I can't fight that reality' and therefore i tell myself to submit or obey or move over... but i've not have these moments for a long time liow... maybe cos i'm since molded myself to accept it and obey and therefore no more contention..

on 28 Oct 2006 (the first time i do pre-service prayer), in the midst of worship, i caught myself started to utter the same sentence. 'You are Lord whether i....' and then i stopped.

although i started to say it out of habit, i caught myself cos the sentence don't seem real to me anymore... and u know what i said next?

"You are Lord of my life. And i LIKE it" yes lord. I like it that YOU are my Lord and i like YOU are my God.

How many of u are still struggling with Lordship in your life?
The irony is i find joy in this.

One night, many years ago, in sister's house, lying on the bed, i was reading about genesis and the fruit and the knowledge of good and evil... i was reflecting on my life, my past and my decisions... i told God, I don't want to have the choices, i don't know how to make good decisions and i wanan give back the choice of the knowledge of good and evil back to Him and give up my right of making decisions...

Never make light with what u say to God.

Since then my life changed... I embarked on the journey of working in church, growing, stumbling, leading, raising and dreaming... God took my words seriously and many times in my life, i didnt make the decision but the decisions were made for me...

i know God opened the door for me to work in the church office and when pastor offered it to me, i just took it up without thinking.
i didnt choose to share my life testimonies but many times God brought ppl to ask me, opened opportunities for me to share my story. the first time i share my testimony was cos PC came ask me and the first testimony was shared to the 'changed lives' church 3-nites opening - like two hundred ppl for 3 nites!
i didnt choose to be in campus ministry. but happened to be here and after MUCH molding, now i'm a leader.
one time i did a mistake, pc was so angry, she marched into the office, locked the doors and scolded me but surprisingly, i wasn't offended or speak back to her. the peace of God was within me and i was suprised at my own humilty - for the first time!
when ren chun left, i had no transport to go work. the week ren chun leave, my mom bought a second hand car - for RM5k - no need even pay installment!
i support my family expenses - where got savings?? 2 years ago, my dad took his epf and gave money to me and my mom to go New Zealand. tho i didnt go with her, i went wif Ju's family, but it was a blessed trip from God for me to take a break and dream bigger.
when i wanted to rent an aprtment, i checked out the current place and had the peace to rent it and the owner lowered the price for me.
I take long time to decide especially risk of money... God gave me the figure to buy the apartment and when i ask PC, she say she got the same figure and told me to take it. over an afternoon, i bought the apartment.


these are just some among many others....
but all in all, i can say, after all these happenings whether with or without my liking, it had made me a better person and love God more - that's more important.

when louis asked the ppl to pray for their leaders and disciplers last nite, i was like as usual wanted to walk over to thank PC. But i didnt manage to... cos there were people who wanted to thank me!!!!
ahahah... before i could take a step, nailin came and pray for me... after that, i wanted to leave but linda came and wanted to pray for me...
I'm glad i've touched lives. i'm happy cos it tells me that there are ppl i've touched and there are people who remembers me, there are ppl who believes in what i'm doing... if no one pray for me, maybe i've not touched them or i'm not in their radar of leaders??
But i was really blessed to be prayed for...these are my fruits... fruits of obeying God in doing all that He'd asked me to do. THERE ARE FRUITS IN MY LIFE!!! =)

Dare u to give up your choice to God and let HIM choose for u!