i love you, lord

It’s where you raise me up each time I fall
It’s where you lift me up each time I call you name…
I love you, I need you

As I was standing there at the front row during worship on Sunday morning, tears welled up and started flowing down.

When I was in my early teens, knowing God filled my heart and saving me from all the nightmares of day and nites, I sang I love you to Him.

When I was 18, going through the phase of searching for a life purpose and being confused, I sang I love to Him because I know he graced me through it all.

When I was 22, going through major turmoil in my family as I left home, as I deal with my home/family that’s on the verge of shattering into pieces, I anchor my heart and cries in the gentle covering of God.
I cried out the words I love you to Him because he showed me the vision like a small girl, I climbed into His gentle embrace that’s like the bud of a flower and His petals is covering me and it’s a secret place I can go for rest and protection.

Last year, during 1Day, as I sat in the worship, I couldn’t even sing a single word as I wrestle with God, wanting my way in this life and not seeing Him giving it to me. I left the service, hardening my heart.

Last Sunday, as I stood there, singing those words again, I began to remember all those years He brought me through and once again it strengthen my waiting for His will to be fulfill in my life. I wrestle with Him because I’m now 26 and still not sure what I’m supposedly to be doing.

There was once, on July 24, 2005, Pastor Tim prophesied over me saying that ‘by 30 (yrs old), I’ll just see God’s open doors and great things. Now, molding time.’

I cried because all these while I wrestle with Him wanting my way and insisted He open doors for me now, and not when I’m 30, I suddenly see the immaturity of it all. I see a child stomping her feet, crying out for something I can’t have.

I cried harder then because I know it’s my own unwillingness to let God mold that took Him thirty years to mold me to the right Sharon to be able to take on the open doors and great things. I am hindering God from letting me have what I wanted. That’s the irony of it.

I am just not ready until then. Even if He opens the doors now, deep down, I know I’m only partial ready to take on the world. I cry as I see my myself hindering God’s work in my life these last few years as I wanted my way, my time, my preferences, my comfort zones, my self.
Yes, there were many times I did sacrifice in certain areas to allow God’s workings but those times were few and meagre. It’s so few that this process of molding needs to take thirty years!

I’m so encouraged by Ps Ben’s message and so glad Holy Spirit made me stay for the service.

Matt 8:10, when Jesus heard this, He was astonished and said to those following Him, “I tell you the truth, I have not found anyone in Israel with such great faith.

Mark 6:6, And He was amazed at their lack of faith.

What do you invoke in God? Your Great Faith or your Lack of Faith?
Or you’re just being so ‘where-you-are’ that you don’t even catches God’s attention?

If you are reading my blog, I want to tell you please don’t walk in my footsteps, for your own sake, don’t struggle with God’s working in your life.

When life throw you into a storm, let your great faith hang on to God amazed even Him!